Russian banja, Tindering with Machine Gun and Cows in Stolby

qxjb6gazcmaI have been in Russia, in the middle of Siberia for 2 months. There are still things that surprise me. That make me want to say: this is Russia.

I witnessed my first Russian Banja by accident

First, how do you call a bus that goes from city center to suburbs? Russian banja. Last week my host´s small brother was celebrating his birthday. I took the bus from остановка near Interra. 200 hundred people in a bus that maybe fits 50 people. I feel the garlic-infused breath of Volodja, -the plumber – in my nostrils. Alina, the shop keeper, grabs my ass by accident. Ivan, the boxer, almost looses his temper. Galina, the florist, stepping on the shoes. Yuri, the carpenter, angry at my lack of balance. No air, garlic, garlic… чеснок!

I had to step off from the bus.

Russian banjas should be fun, I thought. And there were no венчики! Then my host´s father called and asked me why I was late. I told about Russian banja and that I had decided to go walking. He asked me if I knew the way. Then I realized I had no idea. Father picked me up and I am very grateful. He is very kind and good person.

Going to Stolby with wrong boots is like being a Cow..

that snowboards. With a lot of snow to climb the trails and mountain is a challenge. I fell in every five minutes. That is nothing compared to going down. I literally had no brakes. Some trees stopped me as I snowboarded down with my shoes. ( sic!) Since I was doing that first time in my life, I was literally on my ass in every minute. My dear fellow hikers tried to stop my crazy snowboarding, but it did not help. I was a cow for 10 kilometres.

Right shoes are everything for hiking in Stolby. Next time ask for the proper shoes from the shop,” suggested my fellow-hiker Marina.

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Going on the opposite direction on the highway is okay

When I was returning from Stolby with my students, we had to cross the bridge. While Katja – the driver – was explaining her love for ABBA and singing loudly along ( Mamma mia, here I go again/ My, my – how can I resist youu) I noticed that all the cars are coming towards us. On the other side of the bridge, the cars were going the same direction. Katja kept singing. ( Mamma mia, does it show again?/ My my, just how much I´ve missed you) I really loved the Russian accent.

Hey, I think it is a wrong direction!” I said, when cars were getting quite close.

Really?” answered Katja. Then she realized I was right. Then she turned the volume more up, made a sudden pirouette in the middle of the bridge, and drove back. Then she laughed like a crazy woman and added:

This happens in Russia.”

( I was thinking she was joking. Then again, yesterday I was hanging out with my friend Maksim. After dinner we crossed the road – mind you! – in the middle of roaming cars not crossroad)

From Tinder you can find Machine-gun Lisa!

I have never been a fan of Tinder. Talking and conversing with just a picture has never been my cup of tea. I remember going on date in Estonia using Tinder. We went to watch football. ( what a perfect date, dear men, right) Then I tried it in Russia also. I decided to go to bar. I ordered myself a drink and waited. While I was scrolling my phone, the machine gun started:

WHY ARE YOU ESTONIAN?”

I was like WTF? ( AGreat way to express your emotions, right.) Then I raised my head and noticed a cute woman with crazy eyes. I thought it was a joke but oh boy I was wrong. The machine gun started even more.

WHY ARE YOU INTROVERT?”

WHY ARE YOU BORING?”

WHY YOU HAVE SUCH SHOES?”

WHY YOUR HOSTS EVEN LIVE WITH YOU?”

WHY YOU ARE 25?” ( WTF part 2 )

WHY DO YOU TEACH ESTONIAN?”

WHY DO YOU LIE ABOUT YOUR PROFFESSIONS?”

WHY DO YOU LIE THAT YOU TEACH ESTONIAN?”

WHY DO YOU LIE ABOUT YOUR NAME?”

This gunfire went on for an hour. I felt like I was prosecuted. Or like I was Ben Stiller from “ Meet the Fockers” interrogated by Robert De Niro. Okay, the girl looked much better but she was as serious as Robert! Finally, I ignored her. ( If you want to know, how I stopped the gunfire, write me on VK). After the experience I decided never to use Tinder. I am a peaceful person – I do not want World War III.

Vene Banja, Tinderdamisest ja kuidas lehm matkab!

Ma olen nüüd keset Siberit juba kaks kuud olnud. Ikka veel leian asju, mis mind üllatavad.

Vene sauna võib kogemata leida

Eelmine nädal pidin sõitma kesklinnast eemale. Tähistasime mu perekonna väikevenna sünnat. Kuidas sa nimetad bussi, mis läheb Krasnojarski kesklinnast eeslinna? Vene saunaks. Bussis, kuhu mahub 50 inimest, oli 200 inimest. Tundsin, kuidas torumees Vanja mulle küüslaauku vaikselt suu kaudu sossutab. Lillepoe müüja Galina palub jumalat( gaspadi!) ja tallub mu jalgadel. Tatoveeritud pätt Ivan tahab kõigile lõuga anda. Poemüüja Ivan krabab kogemata mu kannist. Õhku pole – aga leidub kuse, pehme peeru ja küüslaugu lehka. Igast järgnevast peatusest tuleb aina inimesi juurde. Mingilt maalt sai mul kõrini. Ei suutnud enam vene saunas olla. Vene saun pidi lõbus olema! Kus on vihad, viinad, paljad rinnad?

Otsustasin bussist lahkuda ja jala minna. Perekonna isa helistas, et kus ma olen. Teatasin, et mul sai kõrini saunast ja otsustasin jalgsi minna. Isa uuris, et kas teed tean. Alles siis sain aru, et polnud aimugi – aga marssisin vapralt ikka edasi ja edasi. Lõpuks tuli isa järgi. On ikka tore ja heasüdamlik inimene! Õhtul avastasin sünnipäeva lauast Drake- i. ( ilma Rihannata) Drake oli 12- aastane ja rääkis nelja erinevat keelt soravalt. Tegin temaga pilti. Paraku ta ei räppinud!

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 Stolby rahvuspargis matkates tundsin ennast Lehmana..

Mitte libedal jääl. Vaid lumelaual. Paksu ja libedalt lumelt oli suur väljakutse ronida mägedesse üles. Olin pepuli iga nelja minuti tagant. Lund aina kallas ja kallas. Sammastele ronides vajusin mitu korda alla, nii et kõik oma õpilased tagant maha niitsin. See oli vaid alguses. Kui me aga järsu langusega mägedelt alla hakkasime tulema, polnud mul reaalselt pidureid! Tallad ei pidanud üldse. Proovisin puid kasutada pidurdamiseks. Ei aidanud – ikka pepuli. Siis proovisin õpilasi piduriteks – ei aidanud. Siis proovisin lumelauaga sõita ! Päris äge oli, aga vahepeal käisin ikka pikali. Lõpuks otsustasin lihtsalt alla jõuda, maksku mis maksab. Lendasin alla kui lumepall, vahepeal haarasin kaasa ka õpilasi. Tulin siukse hooga, et ülesronivad inimesed hüppasid kähku eest ära.

Stolbõsse minnes pead valima õiged jalatsid! Küsi järgmine kord spordipoest vastavaid jalatseid!” õpetas Nastja

Miks sa alles siis seda ütled, kui ma 15 kilomeetrit Lumelauaga Lehm olen olnud?”

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 Maanteel vastassuunas sõita on normaalne

Sõitsime tagasi rahvuspargist. Katja – mu õpilane – pööras sillale. Ise seletas, miks ta ABBA-t armastab. Järgmisel hetkel juba üürgas kaasa. ( Mamma mia, here I go again/ My, my – how can I resist you ) Järsku avastasin, et sõidame maanteel vastassuunas. Kaks rida autosid tuleb rahulikult meie poole. Katja aga aina lõõritab. Suunasin tähelepanu sellele.

Ah Päriselt või? Pole hullu!” vastas ta.

Siis tõmbas ta maruda kaapeka, nii et masin läks pöördesse. Siis pani ta ABBA kõvemaks ja irvitas nagu segane naine:

Juhtub Venemaal.”

Siis lõõritas Katja edasi ABBAT. ( Mamma mia, does it show again?/ My my, just how much I´ve missed you)

Arvasin, et ta teeb selle Venemaa asjaga nalja. Eile chillisime sõbra Maksimiga. Pärast sööki pidime teed ületama.Tegime muidugi seda mörisevate autote vahelt, kes kohe-kohe liikuma hakkasid. Neli rida autosid vs. fooriga ülekäik – eestlane ja venelane valiksid erinevad variandid.

 Kuidas ma Tinderi kaudu Automaadivalangu osaliseks sain

Ma pole kunagi suur Tinderi fänn olnud. Ma ei mõista, kuidas lihtsalt kauni pildiga “ sebida”. Eestis käisin kunagi ühel deidil kasutades Tinderit. Vaatasime koos jalkat( Täiega romantiline, ma tean). Venemaal proovisin ka. Otsustasin baari neiu kutsuda. Tellisin ja joogi ja ootasin.

MIKS SA EESTLANE OLED?”

Ehmatasin ära. Tõstsin pea ja nägin nunnut brünetti. Samas olid tal hullunud silmad. Automaadi täring polnud veel alanud. Kogusin ennast natukene. Siis hakkas automaat täristama.

MIKS SA INTROVERT OLED?”

MIKS SA NII IGAV OLED?”

MIKS SUL SELLISED SAAPAD ON?”

MIKS SU PERE SIND SIND SALLIB?”

MIKS SA VALETAD OMA VANUSE KOHTA?”

MIKS SA VALETAD, ET SA EESTI KEELT ÕPETAD?”

MIKS SA VALETAD, ET SUL ON EESTI KEELE ÕPILASI!?”

Automaaditärin kestis üle tunni. Tundsin ennast kui Ben Stiller “ Meet the Fockers”-is. Automaadi Julia kõmmutas täpselt nagu Robert de Niro. Ainus vahe oli see, et ta nägi armas välja, Robert väga mitte. Õhtu lõpus otsustasin automaati eirata. Las täristab ise. Veel enam otsustasin mitte Tinderit enam kasutada.

Written by Krismar Rosin

Pictures by Krismar Rosin, Anastasia Tšerkasova

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