Criminal, criminal..

 

17413686140_8448458f2b_bI remember my dear coordinator telling me that I should never cross the Russian border with an expired visa. To be honest,  I never intentionally thought of doing that. So after all night of sweating and fever, 5 hour flight from Krasnoyarsk (where Criminal – Yuri was snoring next to me, saliva dripping on my shoulder, but I did not mind, because he was a gentleman, and switched on the light, when I started to read); 3 hour bus ride from Piter, it was my turn to get my passport checked.

Suddenly the customs lady looks at me more seriously. Then she adds that we have some problem. The she calls someone. Then serious looking young gentleman with a uniform comes and tells me to follow him. All other passengers staring at me: is he a drug dealer? I am thinking, where are they taking me? What happened? At the same time the offical yells to the bus driver:

Minus 1! Minus !  ( Like I am an object! Like we were in a concentration camp!!)

Now I am in Spartan room. Old computer, squeaky chair, and  table. Is it an interragation room ? Do they beat people up here?

The official tells me to sit. Then he tells me that my visa is expired. Then he starts asking me about my purpose of visit, where do I live in Russia, why I cross the border with an expired visa. Then he tells me that I have to pay the  fine 1000 rubles and I have to bring the check to get the right to pass the border. I am very nervous, while he guides me  to the bus – all other passengers staring my shame of walk, criminal, c r i m i n a l. I take my stuff and luggage and start going with him to the Russian border and Ivangorod. I feel lost and scared .THEN I REMEMBER:  FUCK, MY PHONE. I mention this to official and he wants to hit me in the face. He controls his anger and walks his baby back to the bus. All the other passengers stare at me again.( c r i m i n a l, c r i m i n a l).

Then he takes me to check point and points the direction of the bank. I pass by many trucks, me as a donkey with all my luggage. After 10 minutes I arrive to the bank and realize: FUCK, IN RUSSIA THEY ARE CLOSED ON MONDAY. I ask  local babushki, if there are any banks close by, they answer negatively. Then they ask me what is wrong and try to help me to pay the fine with ATM. Then they recommend me to go to post office that is 15 minutes away.

I get to post office.  It is Russian Post. Everything is so slow. And it has to be very slow, if an Estonian says it is slow,because we are very slow nationality. In the middle of the service, old ladies move like snail, yawn, while I am ticking time bomb. Finally after 45 minutes of waiting, they answer:

We can not help you.You should go to Kingisepa, there is bank, only 25 kilometres away.

I am out of my mind. I call my father in the mean time and tell him that everything is  literally fucked up. Then I walk back to the border check point and think : probably I have to stay in Ivangorod for the night. While custom officers check the veichles for drugs, I told one guard my problem. He starts calling and asking me questions. I tell that banks were closed and I could not do it with ATMs. After 15 minutes,  cool Ziguli pulls up with a bald guy, who yells, COME HERE.

First I am thinking: FUCK, RUSSIAN PRISON, I DO NOT WANT TO GO, I HAVE A PRETTY FACE. Then I sit in this cool Ziguli and realize that he will help me to pay the fine. We get to ATM,  and pay the fine for 25 minutes. I thank this guy from the bottom of my heart.

When we drive back, he compliments my Russian, and asks about my programme and EVS. I did very good promotion, so this official really got interested doing EVS. ( Anastasia, you would be very proud)Then he takes me to check point, where the first officer greets me. He takes the check and leads me again to „torture room!“ Then he leaves some stamp on my passport, makes me fill out some papers and guides me to the Estonian check point. I see Narva castle, Narva river, Estonian signs and feel freedom. I really feel so scared, at the same time, blessed that I got away so easy. The custom officer adds that I am lucky, because this process used to take a month.

I get to Estonian checkpoint.Then Estonian customs officer wants to check my bag. Asks me about alcohol. I tell her I have vodka. She wants to see it. I answer that she can take it, as long as she lets me cross. She does not want. I insist she takes some candies.She looks at me weird. Other officers looks like he does not want to let me cross. I go away quickly. In Narva I buy pack of cigarettes and relax and let go.

While I take the  bus from Narva to Tallinn,  I hear the bus driver and his partner criticize their work and passengers.  Then I hear him say something like that:

„ I mean, if we would crash, the worst part would be that I  would die, not the passengers.It is always the law that driver does not survive but passengers do!“

What a great customer service mentality, I thought. Welcome to Estonia.  When I arrived home, unpacked my bags, my cat climbed into the suitcase. Russia sounds like a lot of fun, take me with you, meowed her. Sadly we could not get visa to her.

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Viisa ületusest Venemaal

Ära kunagi ületa Venemaa piiri aegunud viisaga – meenus mulle koordinaatori Nastja hoiatus. Mul ei olnud see plaaniski. Aga pärast öö läbi higistamist ja palavikku, viietunnist lendu Krasnojarskist Piiterisse ( kus kriminaal- Andrei mu kõrval norskas ja mu õlale ilastas, aga ma ei olnud vihane, sest ta pani pärast tule põlema, et ma lugeda saaks), 3 tundi sõitu Piiterist piirini, olin ma piirivalvuri ees.

„ Oodake palun!“

Naisterahvas kutsus siis tõsise tolliametniku, kes mind tagaruumi juhatas. Enne ütles veel bussijuhile:

„Pange – 1! -1, ma ütlesin!“ ( Nagu ma oleks objekt! Nagu oleks tegu koonduslaagriga!)

Ruum nägi välja spartalik: 95. Aastast arvuti, tolmused riiulid, kääksuv tool, sitased seinad. Täpselt nagu türm või vangla. Kas siin pekstakse inimesi?  Siis hakkas tolliametnik mind küsimustega pommitama. Kuhu teel olete? Kus te elate? Siis käseb ta mul istuda ja vaatab tapja näoga otsa. Karm, karm värk.

„ Teie viisa on aegunud. Peate trahvi maksma! Oodake siin!“

Siis tuleb ta tagasi ja ütleb mulle,et pean kõik oma kodinad võtma ja Ivangorodi panka minema, et trahvi maksta. Kõnnin koos tolliametnikuga sõitjatest mööda ja kõik vaatavad kahtlustavalt mu poole. On ta narkomaan või diiler? Haaran bussist kõik oma kotid ja tolliametnik juhatab mind Ivangorodi poole. Siis tuleb mulle meelde, et unustasin telefoni bussi, mille peale tolliametnik ohkab valjult ja mind tapja pilguga vaatab. Toome kiiresti telefoni ära. Möödun eeslina kõikidest inimestest viisakontrollis, piiripunktist ja veokitest. Kõnnin 15 minutit Ivangorodis mäest üles ja avastan, et pank on kinni. Närvid läbi. Persse, kas ma jään siis Ivangorodi? Uurin tädikestelt ja nad vastavad, et Venemaal on pangad esmaspäeviti kinni. Seletan oma trahvi probleemi, nad proovivad mind aidata pangaautomaadiga ära maksta – paraku ei õnnestu! Siis soovitavad tädikesed mul 15 minutit eemale postkontorisse minna.

Jälle mina ja mu sumadanid. Midagi pole ukradinot nagu Kiirel, aga närv on ikka must. Pochta Rossia on nagu Pochta Rossia- sitaks aeglane. Järjekord venib, teenindus venib, keegi haigutab. Töötajad kaovad ära. Ootan siis 45 minutit, et teada saada, et nemad sellega ei tegele.

„ Minge Kingiseppa! Äkki seal on pank!“

Kingiseppa on aga 25 kilomeetri kaugusel. Näruselt tundes kõnnin tagasi piiri poole,vahepeal helistan isale ja ütlen, et kõik on perses. Möödun rekkadest ja jõuan piiripunktini. Seletan, et pangad on kinni. Piirivalvur edastab mu informatsiooni tollitöötajatele, käib pikk arutelu, kästakse oodata. Paari minuti pärast on putka ees hall žiguli ja juht viipab: ISTU PEALE! Türmi viiakse või?

Selgub, et ametnik aitab mul pangaautomaadi kaudu trahvi maksta. Löön siis pauguga – õigemini peksan – Žiguli ukse kinni ja sõit võib alata. Varsti oleme panga-automaadi juures ja ametnik toksib erinevaid viitenumbreid  ja isiklikke andmeid sisse.  Tagasi teel uurib ta mu elu kohta Krasnojarskis, mu palga ja EVSi kohta ja tunneb inspiratsiooni. Ka tema tahab programmis osaleda ( Interra ja Involved oleksid väga õnnelikud seda kuuldes)  Ta kiidab mu vene keelt ja viskab mu piiripunkti juures maha.

Mind suunatakse edasi, tuttav tolliametnik tuleb vastu. Juhatab ta mind jälle piinakambrisse. Tuleb tagasi mu passiga, millel on mingi märge peal. Siis vaatab ta mind tapja näoga ja nõuab, et see oleks viimane kord. Pärast seda juhatab ta mind Eesti piiripunkti juurde. Näen Narva jõge ja linnust, ning tunnen vabadust.

Eesti piiripunktis juhatab mind tollitöötaja kõrvale ja uurib, mis kotis on. Küsib, kas viina ka on. Vastan jaatavalt. Tahab näha. Uurin, et kas tahab minu Beluugat endale. Tegelikult plaanisin selle onule sünnipäevaks kinkida. Neiu vastab eitavalt. Siis pakun kommi (peaasi, et siit piirilt üle saab!!).

Piirilt üle, ostan kohe suitsu, et rahuneda. Siis istun Narva bussi peale. Tallinnasse sõites kirub juht terve tee paarimehele reisijaid. Korra ütleb  välja sellise lause:

„K ÕIGE HULLEM AVARII JUURES ON SEE, ET MINA SAAN SURMA MITTE REISIJAD!  SAAKS NEMAD OLEKS VEEL OKEI!“

Ja kõneleb niimoodi terve selle aja. Istun neljandas pingis ja imestan ennast lolliks. Milline klienditeenindus. Welcome to Estonia. Koju jõudes ronis kass lahtipakitud kohvrisse. Võta mind kaasa, võta mind kaasa, mjäugus ta. Kahjuks ei saanud me talle viisat.

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